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Okay so I have a few things to say…

#1 If you don’t want to announce to the world that you’re ~60 years old and STILL single and probably a crazy cat lady and that you still have your virginity… Then don’t wear a sweatshirt in public that has horses wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots and a leather jacket with fringes on it. I’m sorry but not only will that NOT get you laid but it will make people give you “the look”…

I can’t help but not feel bad for some people because they really do ask for harsh words being said. For example, my friends fiance just got a haircut and keeps posting and whining on facebook that people should comment on it. I could comment on it, but I will not have anything nice to say because in the picture this guy looks totally emo and uncomfortably gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

#2 If you’re in a worn out flannel coat that is stained and tattered, holding a large piece of brown cardbord and a mcdonalds 99cent coffee cup… I’ll probably assume you’re homeless and not a business owner…

Seriously people!! These things are just common sense here… as disappointing as it is, common sense is no longer common…

Short, sweet and to the point.

Once again I’ve been consumed by the horrible fiend known as Insomnia….

I don’t care who you are… If you’re sooooo nice that it’s creepy… I hate you.

Lady came into my store yesterday. She’s a regular customer and she is one of those “I’m so nice that I’m a freak” kinds of people. Swear to God that she’s in a cult. She has such a big smile on her face all the time and she talks in that voice where it’s like everything is a question… Seriously people… everyone has their inner asshole (I did just laugh like a 12 year old at how that sounds and I won’t change it!). No one is nice ALL the time… Unless you’re a fucking brainwashed cultist.

Also… if you do answer everything like a fucking valley girl and make everything you say sound like a damn question… well I have one thing for you…

Oh man… So I woke up at like 8am today… decided to do an ever so wondeful Waken-ze-baken! (i added a german spin so it… stfu already) got tired, fell back asleep and woke up at noon… i worked at 1:30 and was like… another wake-n-bake man!!!! so anyway i did that and i had to go to work… I totally thought I was gonna be fine and I asked my co-worker what jobs i had to take over… all he had was one thing and he explained it to me like 10 different times and I still couldn’t fucking wrap my head around it and he asks me “How much did you fucking smoke man?!”

…. *crickets*

it was a lot…. seriously i’m so un-motivated to blog because i can’t think of anything then i think that you’re gonna read it and be like “oh this is stupid… i won’t read it anymore” and i dont want that to happen… but not blogging does the same thing… so whether i blog about something stupid or not blog at all i’m losing viewers… fuck!

Well….. shit!

So I’m totally starting to like this whoooooole blogging thing…. 49 views yesterday!!!!!

Honestly… almost. shit. a. brick.

Total brain fart today… cannot think of anything so…. yeah

Oh totally got an award from the ever so awesome Stacy of Stacy Says.

Honestly… wasn’t expecting an award… let alone this kind…

Yes.

I got the Sugar Doll Award!

I don’t know if that means I’m sweet or what it means but I’m totally psyched that I got one! 😀 😀 😀

Stacy said (anyone else think that was funny like I did just now?) that the award has a rule. The rule is to list 10 thing about yourself…

FUCKING DAMMIT! I’m at my friends house right now and her cat is just staring me down with those headlight eyes… You know what I’m talking about…. like when you’re walking around your house at night and its really dark but there’s a little light yet in the room and the your cat or dog is the one in the light and those headlight eyes are just staring you down… fuckin creepy and it makes me feel like I should be in a horror movie…

Oh yeah, the award… uhm… 10 thing about me…

#1. I come from a large-ish family.
My dad, my mom, 1 brother, 2 sisters and 2 dogs.

Just want to say that those are my 2 dogs…. I love them to death, no matter how fucking stupid they are! The one on the right (the solid black one) is named Buster, and the one on the left is named Pete

2. I am currently attending college to get my degree in Business Management.

3. I actually wouldn’t mind my job so much if it wasn’t for 2 people there.

4. Crying is something no one ever sees me do, and if you witness it…. consider it like seeing an Angel… yeah… that rare….

5. I’m a huge geek.

I absofuckinglutely LOOOOOOOVE anime. Currently, the series I’m obsessed with and that I can’t wait for the next episode to come out is called Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

6. I do know how to hack into someone’s computer
Granted I still need physical access to their computer, I do know how to hack into it hahaha

(oh man, starting to run out of things to say)
7. I don’t really like cake or pie
I’m almost afraid of the comments this will bring lol…

8. I took 3 years of Spanish in high school and loved every bit of it

I still want to learn another language… I’m thinking German this time…

9. I’ve played piano for 14 years
I bought a violin 2-3 weeks ago and am attempting to learn that.

10. There’s a lot more to me than meets the eye.

PHEW! Finally… I thought it was gonna take ages to finish this… *shrug* I don’t fucking know what else to say so….  DONE!

Girl I work with: “A customer on the phone is looking for the TI-34 Multiview calculator”

Me: “Any calculator is multiview…. just depends how you look at it”

*rawr*

First off… I just want to say… HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I have diabeetus!….

Okay not really but still… the commercial is hilarious and the guy says it so weird…

You totally remember that I had insomnia yesterday right? Yeah well… yesterday went well for the most part until about 1:30… thats when I started to get a little tired. So being tired, I decide that I’ll take a nap before I work at 4:30. I grabbed mah iPhone, set 4 FUCKING ALARMS all within 10 minutes of each other so I wouldn’t fall back into a deep sleep…. I can assure you that the alarms worked… just my lazy ass didn’t get the fuck up. So what’d I do? I was still sleeping.

4:25 pm
My Mother: “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE UP NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! YOU HAVE 5 $!@#%$ MINUTES TO GET TO WORK!!!!!”

Okay maaaaaybe she didn’t swear, but it just adds this effect to it that I totally had to put in there just to let you know how dramatic it actually was in real life. Side rant… blog posts are considered real life right? I know people in the interwebz are always saying “get friends IRL” (IRL = In Real Life). Back to the matter at hand now.

So I fucking just shot up, ripped my clothes off and thew on my uniform as fast as I ever fucking have in my entire life. Me being pissed off just stormed out of the house. Now I wasn’t pissed that I got yelled at to wake up (Most often, it’s the *only* way I wake up because I’m a bit of a heavy sleeper)… I was just having a nicotine fit because  I took my patch off earlier that day. That reminds me… I still never put another one on… Should I put one on or see if I can keep going without them and be done entirely?

Recap… 4:25pm, my mother is screaming at me, I’m pissed and stressed. I ran out of the house as fast as I could, jumped in my car and started it. Now another thing that actually pisses me off is sometimes when I shift my car into gear…. it doesn’t actually shift. So I tried to shift into reverse… didnt do it… So here I am in my car, ready to fucking scream at my steering wheel because I can’t get it to fucking move. Finally I get my car to start moving. Did I speed when I went to work? You fucking bet I did! I can’t afford to lose this job, but I can’t afford a fuckin ticket either… blah!

Hahahahaha diabeetus cat… HAHAHAHAHAHAH I FUCKING LOVE THAT FAT CAT!!!

Is it weird I like fat animals? They just look more fun than normal ones… Maybe there’s just more to loooove… No I’m not a “chubby chaser” in real life, just sayin’.

Anyway… I get to work and have to park really fucking far away from the doors because the people that are shopping at notmystore park in our parking lot because “it’s convenient for them”… yeah well fuck off and give me my spot bitches before I slash your tires.

4:45pm
I am finally get to work and this is the official time I punched in… not bad right? I didn’t think so… if I went the speed limit it would have been muuuuuuch later… by like 5-10 min…

When I punched in, my supervisor (Captain Douchenozzle (see Douchebag post for more info)) is sitting there eating his ” ‘za “…. really…

This guy is so much of a douchebag he has to take everything and condense it into a 1 syllable word…. or put his own “twist” to it… Seriously… hate hate hate hate hate HATE this guy…

Anyway… He’s sitting there and I stormed into the break room, grabbed my name tag, headset and slammed my locker door shut really hard… If I remember right, DB (That’s what we’ll call him from now on) had a look on his face and knew not to mess with me because I was ready to just fuckin explode at whoever was gonna cross me at that moment.

Anyway… blah blah blah… Long story short… I was late, pissed and stressed. When I did get to my department, there were a ton of people who needed help and I had a few orders that NEEDED to get done that night. I get them done and I go home….

Me: “Look at this scar on my hand… it’s weird… like the skin has been polished or something…”

Amber: “Ewwwww…..”

Me: “Touch it!! It feels weird!!”

Amber: “I’m not touching it!!”

Me: “Touch the pink!!!!”

Hello hello my few but faithful viewers!

Okay, so seriously… can’t fucking sleep… Have had insomnia like… the past 2 or 3 fucking days… ri-donk-ulous!

Anyway, for the few of you readers that know Amber (Author of Le Meh)… On Sunday we had our friendiversary.

I had to fuckin work a crappy shift from 2-6:30… I work at Shit ‘n Shoot and the picture in the previous post is my supervisor who is nothing but a complete asshole whose face I’d love to kick with a steel toed boot… Gruesome and graphic… Perhaps a bit violent, but totally justified if you knew the fuck face.

Sometimes I rant a bit much…

Back to my point… I was at work, and after that I knew that Amber and I were going to hang out and go to see Alice in Wonderland. First off, I just want to say that the movie was absolutely amazing and totally fucking blew my mind. I just wish that we could have went on with our plans about getting baked out of our ever loving minds and actually enjoy it the way the movie was intended… on a drug trip… Okay maybe not like LSD or any of that crazy shit… but just a little weed…

By the way… if you’re thinking “omgz you leik totally get stoopid from smoking weedz” well… I don’t want to say no to that yet, however I haven’t noticed any decline in my intellectual abilities. HA! Okay so I totally did think about that sentence for like 5 minutes to make it sound super smart, prolly could have done better… SERIOUSLY BACK TO THE TOPIC NOW…

So I knew Amber and I were to hang out… now the question is… do we take my fucking beast of a car (a ’93 Buick LeSabre that my parents technically own even though I’m the only user) or do we take her car.

Now keep in mind… I have a suspended license right now (totally fucked up right?) because I was speeding last year in March and got totally shafted by this dick of a cop on a ticket I got for an accident in October. Anyway, suspended license = I can only drive to school, work, home, church (yes I checked that box too!) and the grocery store. So technically I’m not *supposed* to have driven separately to the theatre like we did but… I live life on the edge (the edge of always having a panic attack).

So I was thinking “Oh we could totally go to Sonic and get something then go to the theater.” Good idea right? Man being all chivalrous, kind and whatnot. I totally thought it was gonna be a plan, until I remembered something.

Lets just say X amount of days ago, I brought a lunch to work and left it in the car. A few days later I had to pick someone up in my car (I know someone other than me was actually in my car for the first time in many months (yes I’m doing a sub-parenthetical quote, and yes I am that pathetic to never have anyone in my car)) so I was like FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Gotta clean some of this shit. So I threw the bag in the back with my lunch in it that I still haven’t eaten and has been sitting in my car.

Well now I’ve gotten myself into a sliiiiight predicament. The lunch has been sitting there for sooooo long that it’s making this kind of sour smell in my car… I notice it every time I get in and think “Okay this time, I’m gonna look for the lunch and throw it out”… well does my procrastinating stupidface do that? NOPE!!

I will confess that it’s been like… a week… that the lunch has been in there and that I’ve been dealing with that smell… Every time I drive home I’m like “Ugh I’m tired… I’ll get it in the morning” well… did I do that??? Nope…

Anyway long story short… My car smells weird so I didn’t want her to bear with that like I have to, so I was like oh we can take your car… but then had a realization that leaving my car unattended in a mostly empty chunk of the parking lot would look suspicious and I don’t need another fucking ticket… I’m broke enough as it is… Like seriously broke… I’m talking like having your 2 credit cards declined for a fucking $10 meal at FAZOLI’S broke… Totally on the road to fixing that though, the tax refund is gonna be a biggun and I got a shit ton of hours this week because I have spring break and only work the weekends when school is in session…

You probably don’t care much about 90% of this blog post but I’m going to keep going with it anyway so don’t whine and keep reading please 😉

Fuck… I totally lost my train of thought and was hoping this was gonna go on for a bit longer but then just realized that I already stated my point that I have an old lunch in my car that has a weird smell and I keep saying I’m gonna get it but don’t…

Work was actually not too bad last night… apart from the severe lack of customers it was decent. I’ve been working at Shit ‘n Shoot since July of 2008. I am making a seriously terrible wage plus a minor MINOR commission and absolutely despise 2.5 of 5 my senior staff members. I say 2.5 because the 1/2 person is someone I don’t mind but can be a serious asshole at times.

Anywho… severe lack of customers = associate shenanigans in the store. So I get bored and decide to go back the photocopy department of our store with my friend Chris is working. Chris is sitting there at the computer re-typing this awfully written stack of papers this child care center brought in. Seriously the grammatical errors on it was just amazing! I can’t believe parents didn’t read it and call the place and be like “you’re stupid… I’m not sending my kid here.” Back to my topic… I get sidetracked too much. So there Chris is, sitting there, typing, just absolutely focused on the task at hand. I decide to be a dick and crawl right next to the counter until I get to the computer where he is… I slap my hand on the counter as hard as I could and scared the absolute shit out of him! Oh my jeebus I was about to piss myself right there… his reaction was priceless… his face turned soooooooooooo fucking red, it was like looking at a fucking tomato! Definitely worth him yelling at me for scaring him!

Oooooh yeah…. On Sunday, the day of the friendiversary, I walked into the receiving/loading dock area of our store, where we have most of our stock, and my supervisor (the douchebag) is standing there at the baler. So he asked me some question and I answered him as I would any other person. He said to me “Why do you always try to use big words when you talk to me? Everyone knows you’re stupid.” I respond with “I don’t, I treat you like I’d treat everyone else.” Him being the cocky fucking doucheface that he is says “So……………. You’d treat me the same as you would a robber?” I said “Yeah” He says “That’s interesting” I respond with “Honestly… I hate you and everyone the same.” Then turned around and just walked out… He and I barely tolerate each other… I do just want to say that I was the at my store first, he transferred over, stole 100’s of sales from associates (just at my store as far as I know) and got promoted to a job that pays him tons of money to do not one fucking thing!

Uhm… what was my point in this again?

I don’t know… all I know is that I fucking feel the tired, but cannot sleep. Also totally dreading having to go to work again tonight because I have to close with who?? THE FUCKING DOUCHEBAG! Let’s hope to God that I don’t kill him or myself (or both) anytime soon.

Amber: “Fine, if you wanna make the pancakes go ahead”

Me: “Mmkay, I’ll make them… I make aw(e)some pancakes.”

*After the breakfast is cooked and I ate the pancakes I made, Amber had 2 pancakes (one she made and one I made)*

Amber: “This pancake is totally raw in the middle”

Me: “No fuckin way… mine were all fine!”

*I take a look… seriously… looked cooked on the outside… toooootally raw inside*

Me: “I only sucked on one pancake!”

(I don’t care if you don’t laugh… but after I said that… I realized how it sounded and laughed so hard that I came to tears instantly…)

Just another ongoing inside joke between me and Amber…

(okay I have to end with OOOOONE last quote)

Amber: “You are such a foodie”

Me: “you mean fatty”

First off I just want to say thank you to the extremely few readers I have out there… You have given me some hope about this blog.

Secondly, I would like to announce that I made a fan page on Facebook called The word “Douchebaggery”.

That’s kind of what this post will be about today… Douchebags commiting the act of Douchebaggery.

The man to the left is a prime example. Due to paranoia, I will not say his name or my connection to him. Let’s just say that he has a little bit of power of me for a certain amount of time a few times a week…

Anywho, this man has committed douchebaggery in one of the highest degrees.

For one to commit douchebaggery, he/she is not limited to but may include some or perhaps all of the following behaviors:

– the wearing of flat-billed baseball caps backwards
– using an enormous amount of gel to spike the hair porcupine style
– wearing polo shirts or any other type of shirt with the collar popped, a disgusting gesture that should’ve died in the 1980s with parachute pants
– the sideways peace sign gesture
– overdone pursing of the lips
– too many visits to the tanning salon
– pointing at oneself, holding up beer cans, or making other obscenely immature gestures in solo or group photos
– following trends for the sake of fitting in
– adding “The” or the suffix “-ster” to one’s name, as in “The Rickster”

(Thank you Urbandictionary.com for that beautiful definition.)

Douchebags get me mad pretty quickly because of their severe stupidity and lack of common sense.

Anyone else notice how common sense isn’t all that common?

Hypocrisy is another thing that absolutely infuriates me… *especially* when I am directly involved.

In short, you might be a douchebag if you just so happen to fit into one of the aforementioned behaviors.

Also, My douchebag of the week is Dr Phil… 

Quitting!

I’m quitting!!

No, I’m not quitting my blog… sorry to the people who want to see me quit.

I started smoking when I was 13 years old.

My brother was 19 when he was kicked out of the boarding school he was going to… He stole a hard drive from a computer that was taken away from a kid because he had tons of porn on his computer…

Anyway, my brother came home and he was smoking a cigg, and I wanted to know what it was like. So he gave me 1 drag off of his cigg. I didn’t like it at first and it didn’t do anything for me.

A little while later, he and I were driving to Wendy’s (where he worked) and he gave me 1/2 of a marlboro red that he was smoking. I finally got the rush of nicotine that every smoker so craves. I felt all light and tingly, my brain was tingling, my eyesight felt like tunnel vision and I just felt really good.

That cigarette that I smoked is what started my path of lung destruction.

February 2009. I met someone who was truly amazing. I really liked this person a lot and they didn’t like that I smoked. Because I liked that person so much, I decided to quit smoking. Surprisingly enough, I was able to quit. I successfully quit from smoking until August 2009. My brother (surprise surprise) came home from basic training in from the Army. He kept offering me a cigg, and I said no. At that time the smell of ciggs made me queasy and want to puke. I had to endure a 6 hour car ride going home from Eagle River, WI to Shirley, WI with my dad in the car smoking the whole time pretty much. Every time he’d smoke, I’d wanna puke, and right after the nauseating smell of cigarettes left the mini-van my parents drive… my dad would light up a brand new one and well… even more nausea for a whole 6 hours.

Well… one night I got a bit drunk because my brother said that he and I would hang out and we’d get drunk… well… I got drunk. Then he offered me a smoke… and well smoking and drinking goes together like coffee and donuts. So I then picked up smoking again.

Today is March 4th and I am making another vow (along with not drinking soda) to quit smoking. I don’t have the money for the patch right now so that’s totally gonna make it suck. Looks like I’ll be doing this cold turkey. It’s gonna be a long week of being super pissed off at the tiniest of things, but after that… I should be fine, I’ve done it before when I was younger and couldn’t smoke for a week…

So please, wish me luck, leave a comment, even just ask how I’m doing with the smoking/soda promise I made… even if I don’t update my blog every day… I will need all the help I can get to quit smoking.

Thanks,

-Andy

Challenges…….

Well… I’m fucked… in the mouth…

Yeah, realize how that sounds… You’re a pervert! HA! Just kidding ;). But seriously folks… I don’t know how I let it get this bad. I always thought it was just a harmful thing… I mean, it was an everyday thing… Mom always bought some for us kids… I’m sure you readers have some right now; whether it’s in your hand or the garage, it’s every household’s nightmare!

Yeah… Soda… That’s what I was talking about… Soda has been a disaster to myface. Last week Friday my sister needed me to come in as one of her lab patients for a teeth cleaning. I won’t complain about it even though it does hurt every now and then… but seriously a free teeth cleaning?! I’m not passing that up. Anywho… She had to scrape calculus off of my teeth (everyone has it… not just me). Calculus (in case you were wondering) is hardened food particles on your teeth that cover the surface, regardless of how much you brush or floss… everyone gets it.

So while she was examining my teeth and exploring I knew she had to at least hit 2 cavities because I wanted to die in the chair right then and there. Anywho after the teeth cleaning… my gums look beautiful and pink, my teeth aren’t as sensitive to cold and I’m happy about it… or so I thought. The other day I looked in the mirror at my teeth to see their progress and I could actually, with my own eyes and a regular bathroom mirror, see a hole on 2 of my teeth… I gotta get it fixed asap, however it’ll have to wait until next week.

So this whole blog post (or call I can call it what it really is… a rant) actually is helping me quit/cut back on drinking so much soda. Today is Wednesday and the last carbonated drink I had was on Saturday night. Thankfully my sister’s program at school is going to give me a fluoride varnish which should help.

This is demineralization. I will try to explain it the best I can. When you drink soda the sugars and acid of the soda break down the calcium phosphates of the tooth which will ultimately soften the tooth. The demineralization of the tooth almost looks like a cap is growing out of your gums. It’s actually really bad if you see that. So now that the tooth has been covered in soda and the enamel is pretty much melting off the tooth and pooling at your gum line your tooth is left very weak which makes it susceptible to infection and way more likely for periodontal disease and other complications.

After hearing that, seeing that, and seeing the cavities in my mouth… I decided that it’s time to actually pay more attention to my teeth… Normally I’d just brush in the morning and that’d be it, but because of this (even though I have a few cavities already) I’m going to quit drinking soda, or at least cut back severely, and floss and brush my teeth daily and keep them healthy. Until next time!

Girl in my class yesterday: “Penis”

Me: *laughing like a little kid*

My Best Friend

I  have had many friends (at least what I consider to be many) throughout my 19.5 years on this little planet in the Milky Way called Earth. You always run into those few that you seem to connect to so well and tell them most everything.

Luckily for me… I believe that I have found perhaps the greatestbest…most amazing and unsurpassed friend of all time.

Yes that seems dramatic… but a friend like these deserves such a dramatic title. My best friend is the author of  Le Meh. I have found my friendship in the weirdest of places… she is a 24 year old housewife with a husband, a son, a brother-in-law and nephew living in the same house. Oh, and how did I meet this woman? At a tweet up (a party for local people who use Twitter). Talk about a fucking crazy ass way to meet someone, right? Shit… just remembered I’m far behind in a 400 point final project that’s due tomorrow at 8:30am and I’m writing this blog post… Oh well, the project can (though it probably shouldn’t) wait. I feel that if I were to wait on doing this, I wouldn’t be able to convey what I’m feeling right now as well as I could.

This incomparable woman that I met at a tweet up in March has since become my best and only true friend. Neither of us are quite sure how this relationship happened, nor do we understand how it developed so deeply as quickly as it did. For once, this is something the universe won’t get questioned about by me. I’m willing to bite the bullet on this one 😉

This woman has shown me an incomprehensible amount of kindness in the short time we’ve been friends. It really does feel like I’ve known this woman my whole life. She knows more about me than any other person I know. In short, she saved my life and I know in my heart that she is by far the best friend anyone could ever have.

One thing does sort of irk me though. And that is this… a 24 year old married woman and a 19 year old single man walking together in a mall… what do people think? I can tell you. They think “What could this woman and man be doing hanging out? …. Oh I know, they’re having sex!” Well my friends, I can assure you I have never had sex with this woman. Though her and I share an intense level of involvement in each others daily lives, “I have not had sexual relations with that woman” (Thanks Bill Clinton, I was having a brain fart). Her and I have a deeper friendship than that. We tell each other everything, how it happened? *shrug* iono.

In short, Amber… you’re my best friend and I would be so incredibly lost if I didn’t have you in my life.

❤ you Amber!

-Love, Andy 🙂